Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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