Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
