I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
