I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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