Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
