Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
