Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
