My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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