Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
