dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
