my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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