I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
