tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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