I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
