If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
