I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
