Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
