why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
