i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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