He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
