I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
