you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
