Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
