Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
