It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
