I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
