Betty ford says i'm here all night
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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