Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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