After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
