I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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