Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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