She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
