I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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