i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize