just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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