Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
