did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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