I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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