In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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