dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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