fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
