i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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