I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
