I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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