you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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