he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
