He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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