So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I intend to get homeless drunk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
