He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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