He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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