I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
