party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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