I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
