Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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