Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize