We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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