I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
