I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
