I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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